I wrote the following on my Facebook page. I thought it would be good to share it here:
I hate whining and complaining. Well, that’s not exactly true. I am very understanding when someone else needs to get something off his or her chest. It is my own whining and complaining I hate. And I say this knowing full well that I am about to start whining and complaining, so feel free to scroll down to the next post in your news feed and ignore my little exercise in self-pity.
I realize that it has been a while since I’ve written one of these, and some of my newer friends won’t know what I am talking about. To bring the new people up to date, I am disabled. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It has a more scientific name that I can neither spell nor pronounce, but I think most people know what CFS is. I have a few other chronic illnesses, but it is CFS that lays me out when I over do. And yes, I over did.
The reason I haven’t written one of these in a while is that I haven’t done anything really stupid for a while. And for my new friends, I am capable of doing some really spectacularly stupid things. A dance audition comes to mind. That said, I didn’t really do anything stupid this time. In fact, everything I did last week was perfectly reasonable…it seemed.
Monday was voice lessons and grocery shopping. Tuesday I drove down to see Jennifer in Boca. Yes, it is a two and a half hour drive, but that is nothing compared to trips I took over the summer and into September. I spent Wednesday with Jennifer. We went out to breakfast, drove around Boca, looked around Sur la Table, late lunch at Chipotle. This was broken up with some time at the hotel resting and watching TV. Thursday, I took Jen out to lunch the drove home.
I should interject at this point that Wednesday was the second anniversary of Marcy’s death. It was emotional for me and Jennifer, but not nearly as bad as last year. Though I didn’t really feel it, that had to have taken its toll on me.
Despite all this, I was fine when I got home Thursday afternoon. Had I left it at that, I probably would have been OK. I think my undoing was that on Friday I had my car serviced down in Melbourne. The two hours sitting and waiting probably pushed me over the precipice. It was a gentle push so I didn’t realize.
I spent Friday evening in bed. I even figured that if I rested during the day on Saturday, I could go see my friends play at a new Jazz club Saturday night. All things considered, I felt pretty good. I was proud of what I accomplished during the week. Then I woke up Saturday morning.
My first thought as I opened my eyes on Saturday was, “What in holy hell did I do?” That was when I realized getting the car serviced was the bridge too far. In my defense, the “Maintenance Required” light had been on since before my last trip to Tennessee in September, so it was past time.
Even as bad as I felt upon waking, I was optimistic. My recovery time has been good lately. I was sure that by the time Michigan had dispatched Indiana, I would be up and about. It was sometime around the start of the fourth quarter that I realized I wasn’t going anywhere. Just feeding myself was going to be a challenge. My body had crashed, and I was going to pay a high price for my folly.
As I write this, it is late Sunday night (or early Monday morning depending on how you view things). After two full days in bed, my symptoms are starting to ease. At least to the point that I can write about it. I am still optimistic, and I believe by tomorrow I will able to get out and at least get my voice lesson in.
If I remember correctly, when I wrote about the dance audition debacle, I made it clear that the time would come when I would screw up my body again. As I lay here writing about this latest battle, I feel confident in saying that there will come yet another time when I will push myself beyond my limits, and end up right back where I am. Miserable and on bed rest. I will do this because the thought of not trying and not doing is simply not acceptable. At least I know and accept what I am doing and the possible consequences. Wish me luck.
Thank you for reading. Live well.